Understanding Words
by tika12001
Summary: How will I survive without my best friend? An exploration behind these words, behind Jane's interpretation.


**Title: Understanding Words**

**Rating: T**

**Author: tika12001**

**Summary: How will I survive without my best friend? An exploration behind these words, behind Jane's interpretation.**

**Disclaimer: not mine, make no money, all within belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and, more recently, Jan Nash. Don't sue!**

**Author's note: yeah, so I have no idea where this came from. Well, okay, I lie, I was watching the scene on YouTube where Maura says this line and it was heartbreaking... and then I started thinking about the word 'falling'. So yeah, my mind goes weird places when I'm sick. But yay for back to work tomorrow! Anyways, I know it's another angsty story, but I do have a humorous one coming up soon, I just have to finish it off. So don't throw things yet please :-)**

I always had a problem in school remembering the difference between verbs and adverbs, nouns and pronouns, adjectives and whatever the hell else words are used to describe other words.

I always figured who cares if the word table is a noun, because does the table know? No, it doesn't, it just goes on being a table. It's solid and dependable and doesn't care what you call the word that describes it, so long as you remember that it is a _table_ and that's what it is.

And then it comes to words like '_fall_' and '_down_'. One is a verb and one is an adverb, but does it really matter when both things mean that you are on the floor? _He went down like a ton of bricks_ or _he fell down the stairs_, both mean the exact thing, so why the difference? Why worry about the difference between which word is entitled to that little extra 'ad' when both words mean the opposite of _up_?

But then there is that word _fall_, and I suppose that it doesn't necessarily mean _down_. Because even though it is most likely that you _fall down_, people have also described falling_ 'up'_ (up being another adverb, but it can also be a preposition, an adjective, a noun or a verb, depending on how you use it). For example, someone can say that they fell _up_ the stairs, but in reality they do mean falling _down _(which is the same, most commonly an adverb but also can be the other things too), because it is not as though when they tripped, they suddenly found themselves pinned to the ceiling. No, they fell _down_ but because the ground is pointed _up_, they did not fall as far _down_ as they would have on flat surfaces.

And then people talk of _falling _in_ love_ (love is both a noun and a verb, it is nothing more and everything at the same time) but that has never made sense to me because there is no _falling_. There is no ground rising up to meet you, no grazed knees or palms awaiting you at the end of the trip, it is simply safe and comfortable and warm. But people describe it as a _sensation_ (noun), not a physical act, that the _sensation_ of _falling_ is what is meant when people say that they have _fallen in love._

And I never understood that, never had that feeling, so maybe I have not experienced _love_ in its entirety. It just seems so _foreign_, so _unknown_ and _uncontrolled _(all three are adjectives but _unknown_ can also be a noun), that it seemed preposterous to me. Why would someone want to feel that way, to feel as though they were tumbling _down_, out of control, unable to stop or save themselves from the mess at the end (_end_ is both a noun and verb, but shouldn't the _end_ have no definition, because its meaning simply is 'no more')?

But then those same people tell me that this is _life _(_life_ is a noun, and _live _is a verb: it is all we are though so shouldn't it be more?) and this is what I should be seeking, because what is _life_ without _love_, and I can't answer them, because maybe there is no _answer _(a noun and verb; the thing we always seek), maybe there are only questions.

_Questions_ (a noun and a verb) without _answers_, is that not the most depressing thing you've ever heard? But so it is when I ask the question _Why should I want to fall down?_ They have no answer when I say _It is so much better to not fall at all_.

And they shake their heads as though it is I who does not understand (a verb, and something we all seek, we all seek to _understand_) but it is they who do not comprehend. It is much better to be _safe_ (an adjective and noun), to live life by words and not emotions, because words do not let you _fall_, they are not _uncontrolled_, or _unknown_, they are simply words. They _describe_ (verb), but they do not _do_ (verb and noun), and they are much _safer_ (adjective) to live with than _fear_ (fear is a noun and a verb, but scared is an adjective and I wonder how they can be so different when they mean the same).

_How will I survive without my best friend?_

_How_ is an adverb, _will _is a verb, _I_ is a noun and _survive_ is a verb. _Without_ is a preposition, an adverb or a conjunction, while _my_ is a determiner, decreeing who it is that is claiming ownership.

But it is those last two words that trip me up. _Best friend._ _Best _is an adjective, an adverb, a noun or a verb, while _friend_ is a noun or a verb. But _best friend_ when together, I don't understand what it is.

It is certainly a _noun_, as it describes her so perfectly, but a _verb _means to describe an action or occurrence, and I think that our friendship is an action in and of itself._ Adverb_ can be appropriate, because she is certainly the best of the best, but then there is also a _conjunction_ because there is no _friend_ without the word _best_ when it comes to her. But also the word _adjective_ stutters into my mind's eye, because _adjective _is a describing word, an attribute of a noun, and if _friend_ is the noun here, then _best_ is certainly the most fitting attribute, because _best_ is what she is, and I can't imagine her ever being anything less.

And it strikes me now that maybe I _don't_ like words so much as I made out, because the word _without_ tears at my heart a little bit, makes me feel as though my stomach has risen into my throat (a fact she will claim is impossible, but I know better), but then I think of _Casey_ and I think of _love_ and I wonder if I really know what _falling_ in _love_ is.

If I even know what _love _is, besides being a noun and a verb, and the reason the world goes around.

Because maybe if I _loved_ Casey, I would feel this way about him, and not about the woman standing in front of me.

I haven't said _yes_ (an exclamation and a noun; an affirmation of the mouth when the eyes are ignored) to him yet because being _without_ him is not the torment (noun and a verb) that I imagine it should be, but to be _without_ Maura makes me _fear_ losing her.

Loss is a noun, but it is also _torment_ and _fear, despair_ and _desperation_.

And for once I wish I had her brain, her 'wordiness' because I just stand still when she walks away from me, when tears spill from her eyes down her cheeks, and I wish I knew how to _express_ (verb) myself adequately so that she knows, she knows what I mean.

To run away is a phrasal verb, and that's what I do, and I don't run away towards her, I run away from her.

Because I finally realize that I have _fallen_ in _love_, and it was with the wrong person. It was her.

But maybe if I run now, I can stop the _fall¸_ can stop the _uncontrollable-_ness of it all, and save my heart from trying to _understand_ how it _feels_, can stop the _loss_ before it starts, and I don't ever have to consider the unbearable fact that I might ever _choose _(choose is a verb, while choice is a noun and an adjective, both lead us to believe that we have _choices_ when sometimes we really only have the pretence of it) to _live_ _without_ her.

And I wish I was better with words, because maybe if I understood the meanings behind them, I would understand _me_.

And I would allow myself to love _her_.

_Maura means great, and she is my best friend, and this is all I understand._

END

**You know the drill, I write, you review. :-) And if it sucks... blame the fact I'm sick and in stupid amounts of pain :-D haha**


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